Dear Douglas and Arthur,
We went to a new playgroup today. It was in a cavernous hall, and within 10 minutes was absolutely filled with toddlers, babies and adults all milling about. Not that it bothered you. There was so much to explore. But it bothered me that, as you went your separate ways, I couldn’t be with both of you.
I split my time awkwardly – while with one, I distractedly looked for the whereabouts of the other. My heart was in my mouth a few times when it took me more than a few seconds to spot you. Maybe you were in the tunnel, or needing rescuing from trampling the baby corner in your heavy shoes.
Arthur, as I knelt down by Douglas at the train table, I watched you. A few metres away, you attempted to get onto one of the ride on cars, only for a bigger child to get there before you and ride off. But you didn’t cry, you watched them and then looked for another. And then it happened again. Third time lucky, I willed you on. Yes, you got one! Happily you rode around and then I relaxed a little. I was holding my breath before that, fearful for how you felt and how you might react. I saw a slightly sad, lost look in your eyes. In that huge room, you looked so tiny and vulnerable. My maternal protectiveness kicked in. I rarely have the opportunity to watch you from afar, and I think in that moment you were so much entirely your own person and not tied to me, that I saw your vulnerability all the more.
Maybe that fear is what being a mother is?
I know I am far from perfect. But I hope you know that when I can’t physically be next to you both, I am still always looking out for you.
Though not strictly a love letter, this post seems the perfect place to let you know about a cause close to my heart. Having had Douglas and Arthur prematurely and knowing a little about all the extra risks and challenges of having twins, I’m happy to be able to support Tamba (Twins and Multiple Births Association). They are celebrating a month of love this February to raise money for their Big Research Appeal. The appeal will fund research to help prevent prematurity and multiple birth-specific conditions, such as twin to twin transfusion syndrome (TTTS).
With amazing doctors doing vital research, we can help kiss goodbye to TTTS and prematurity. Please donate whatever you can at https://www.justgiving.com/campaigns/charity/tamba/bigresearch