23rd October 2014. One year ago today. Just an unremarkable Thursday to most. But to my husband and I, it was what we had been waiting for for months. OTD – Official Test Day, had arrived.
It was our first try at IVF, having been told earlier in the year that we were unlikely to conceive naturally. Rationally, we knew that the statistics weren’t on our side. If this wasn’t to be our chance, it would be hard, but in time we could try again.
In all the preceding time spent waiting – waiting to try, waiting to ovulate, waiting for test results…I would distract myself by daydreaming about the things I wanted to do. It wasn’t just the dream to ‘be a parent.’ It was all the little things I knew would be a part of it, the experiences I hoped we would have and the memories we would make as a family. I had watched with heartache as friends’ families were made and grown. I knew their lives weren’t perfect but I sought that connection, the going forward. The togetherness.
We kept our expectations low. I held my breath, closed my eyes. Took the test from under the pillow. Turned it over and looked. Two bold as brass, no-need-to-squint lines had appeared. My eyes widened and a moment of joyous disbelief was shared between us.
And in that moment, all my little dreams suddenly held potential.
One year on, that potential is now being realised every day. Against the odds, I can take my boys for walks in the park, read to them, hold their tiny hands as they fall asleep. Little things like that. It could have been so different and I am so, so lucky.
The sadness from before lingers there somewhere, but it’s buried beneath the new memories. There are little dreams coming true every day. And sometimes big dreams are made up of lots of little dreams.